How can I save my child (01)

True Story

Teenage depression is now one of the major concerns of society as a whole.

While many experts agree that the causes of adolescent depression stem from more complex socio-environmental factors encompassing family, school and society.

But it is the role of “parents” that is criticized first. The World Blue Book of Depression 2022 states.

The two most significant causes of depression are emotional stress and family bonding.

At the beginning of the year, I started focusing on teen depression.

After coming in contact with many parents of depressed children, it became clear to me the pain behind each family and the anxious and desperate parents.

They are willing to give up everything to save depressed children.

01 -Lucas's Story

Lucas' mom has been in anxiety for six months now.

Beginning in the first half of this year, the relationship between 12-year-old Lucas and his parents deteriorated a little bit, and finally reached a hostile situation.

By October, Lucas would only leave his room every day at mealtime, just a quick fix for hunger, and then duck right back in, locking the door to his room and pulling the curtains tight.

He and his parents won't speak a word a day.

Lucas' mom started crying, and she even missed her son's status last month a little bit - Lucas went out at least 2 times in September.

“At least he was able to go out and talk to me once in a while.”

She reflected on why her son's situation had worsened, ruling out various factors.

She attributed the reason to her and her husband's attempt to change their son's dependence on mobile games starting in October.

This sparked Lucas's anger, and hostile emotions spread.

Lucas was extremely addicted to mobile games. After taking a leave of absence from school this spring, he constantly had his iPad in his hands. At his most extreme, he could stay up for a full 48 hours without sleep.

Lucas's father started to control his "game time" by setting the iPad to be unusable from midnight to 8 AM: "I'm not forbidding you from playing games, but you need to get some sleep, right?"

Lucas's father's concern was justified. Many parents of children who take leave from school report that once their children are free from school constraints, they often play games all night and sleep during the day.

But after setting a password on the iPad, Lucas and his father soon had their first conflict.

Lucas yelled at his father to unlock the password, his eyes red with anger: "Whether you give it to me or not, I won't be able to sleep at night anyway."

His father remained unmoved, handing him a few books: "If you can't sleep, read a book, but you definitely can't play games."

Lucas then turned to his mother for help, knowing she wasn't as stern as his father.

Lucas's judgment was correct.

His mother, feeling sorry for her son, secretly gave him her phone.

With the phone, Lucas played from 6 PM to 8 AM the next day.

Until his mother had to leave for work that he returned the phone.

Lucas's father soon found out about that and was furious.

He had a heated argument with his wife, accusing her of "spoiling the child."

He kicked her out of the house, telling her to stay in a hotel.

Lucas's mother stayed in the hotel for about ten days, during which Lucas called her several times, and she eventually cried. But she couldn't tell if her child was calling for the phone, missing her, or seeking comfort and help in his conflict with his father.

Unable to suppress her longing and worry for her son, she questioned her husband: "Has the child improved while I was away?"

Lucas's father was silent for a long time before reluctantly admitting, "No, he's still the same."

"That means your method isn't working. We've tried it so many times, why do you insist? I don't care, I'm going home today."

She returned home at night. Lucas glanced at her but didn't say a word, as if her absence had never happened. Her husband also said little, muttering only, "Why did you come back?"

After that, no one spoke again.

That night, Lucas's mother learned that before she returned, her husband had already relented and lifted the iPad restrictions. She didn't understand what had changed his mind, but the cold atmosphere between them made her not want to ask.

However, her husband's actions did not improve the tense atmosphere at home. Lucas completely isolated himself, refusing to interact with anyone. Except for eating and using the bathroom, he wouldn't leave his room, and the tightly closed door and drawn curtains completely separated him from his parents.

Lucas's mother was bewildered. She didn't understand why, even after she and her husband had shown leniency, their child's condition had worsened. But mostly, she was angry, resenting her husband's rigid methods that had pushed their child further away. Yet she no longer had the energy to argue with him, leaving only a cold war between them.

I once thought that the most common trouble with teenage depression was in the children's own emotions and physical reactions. However, after learning more about these depressed children, I realized that a significant proportion of them come from families already steeped in hostile and indifferent atmospheres.

Poor parent-child relationships are the "knot" of teenage depression. Many children's symptoms are triggered by this, and the inability to reconnect the parent-child bond is a major obstacle to their recovery.

Children in slightly better situations can have simple daily conversations with their parents, but these are superficial. As soon as parents talk about school or try to understand their children's inner world, the conversation stops abruptly and cannot continue. More severely affected children respond to their parents' questions with monosyllabic answers, making parents tread carefully, fearing that one inappropriate question or answer could send their child back to their room, locking the door behind them.

The parent-child relationship in Lucas's family belongs to the worst category. His vigilance and hostility towards his parents overflow. He either treats them as if they are air or curses at them as if they are enemies. Lucas's mother said that once, when Lucas broke down and cried, she tried to pat his head to comfort him. Unexpectedly, Lucas swung his arm and knocked her hand away. After that, he refused any physical contact with her.

Hearing Lucas's mother's story, many parents in the group empathized and offered comfort: "Exactly the same. We can't even hug our children or pat their shoulders. The children are like small, sharp hedgehogs, always on guard."

Lucas's situation is not unique.

That’s a chinese,14-year-old boy, Hengheng, also locks himself in his room all day. More extreme than Lucas, Hengheng won't even come out to eat. His mother has to put every meal in a thermal lunchbox, place it at his door, knock, and quickly leave. She doesn't know when her son will open the door to take the lunchbox in or when he will start eating. She can only wait, for hours, even longer. When her son quietly puts the lunchbox back outside, she can only infer his eating habits from how much food is left. Hengheng never sees his parents. If his mother needs to tell him something, she can only leave a message on WeChat, but he never replies.

Once, Hengheng's mother came home and caught him going to the bathroom. Hengheng, probably hearing the door open, rushed out of the bathroom and quickly hid back in his room. Seeing her son's panicked back, Hengheng's mother felt a mix of heartache and sorrow. She couldn't help but pat the closed door and call his name: "Did you finish using the toilet? Don't hurt yourself running so fast."

Behind the door was a long silence. After waiting for a long time without a reply, the mother slowly returned to her room, not even realizing her face was already wet with tears.

Hengheng's change happened eight months ago. He suddenly said he didn't want to go to school anymore and refused to explain why, no matter how much his parents asked. They called his grandparents and his classmates, but no matter how everyone asked, Hengheng only replied with "annoying" and then shut his mouth again.

Hengheng's mother went to the hospital to seek a psychologist, but the doctor said they could only diagnose if the child came to the hospital. Hengheng's father, at a loss, waited until the eighth day. When his son still hadn't come out of his room, he finally broke down and forcibly broke the locked door, grabbing his son's phone. Hengheng, of course, resisted, and they started to scuffle.

In the chaos, Hengheng's mother suddenly felt out of breath and fainted. The 120 emergency service arrived, and with everyone's persuasion, Hengheng's attitude softened slightly, and he accompanied his mother to the ambulance. After she was hooked up to an IV in the emergency room, he immediately turned around and went home.

After Hengheng's mother was discharged, she and her husband repeatedly called everyone they could think of to gather outside his room, persuading him to go back to school. Hengheng, hiding in his room, angrily roared like a small beast. His grandfather, hearing this, angrily scolded: "Ungrateful thing, you made your mother sick, and you still won't behave!"

Hearing this, Hengheng angrily pushed open the door and started shoving his grandfather. Seeing this, his father got angry and started fighting with him again. In the scuffle, Hengheng's phone was knocked to the ground and shattered, his face turning pale as if his heart had shattered too. In the chaos, he quickly returned to his room, planning to use his New Year's money to buy a new phone. His father stopped him, called his brothers, and tied Hengheng to a chair with ropes, intending to take him to the hospital.

Hengheng kicked and screamed violently, scaring everyone. Taking advantage of the chaos, Hengheng broke free, ran back to his room, barricaded the door with a chair, and knocked down and smashed everything inside. After that, he treated his parents like strangers, never speaking a word to them again.

This event became an insurmountable chasm for Hengheng's family. Every time his mother recalled it, she would cry, blaming herself for not understanding or empathizing with her son's helplessness, fear, and terror. But regret and remorse were useless because Hengheng now seemed like a stone, incapable of feeling joy, anger, sorrow, or happiness—cold and hard.

Perhaps knowing about Lucas and Hengheng's situations made Xiaosi's mother feel slightly relieved—at least her son could still have basic communication and interaction with her.

But Xiaosi's situation still worried her: his sleep patterns and emotions kept fluctuating. Whenever his mood was bad, he couldn't sleep and would play on his phone until his eyelids couldn't stay open anymore. Many times, when she went to his room at two or three in the morning, she would find him leaning against the headboard, glasses still on, phone in hand. Her arrival would always wake him up, as if he had just been lightly dozing.

Xiaosi's mother had once forcibly required her son to turn off the lights at midnight. Xiaosi obediently put down his phone and glasses but would lie in bed with his eyes closed for one or two hours before getting up to call his mother: "I still can't sleep."

After a month or two of this, Xiaosi's health rapidly declined. At 14 years old and 1.75 meters tall, he weighed less than 100 pounds. His immune system was also weakening, and he would get sick at the slightest lapse in attention.

Many other children are in a similar state to Xiaosi. For months, they have not stepped outside, no matter how much their parents persuade them—go hiking, get some sun, have a good meal—nothing works. Sometimes the children are silent, which serves as a firm refusal. Other times, they agree but after struggling, lock themselves back in their rooms.

With sleep disorders and irregular schedules, the children usually sleep until afternoon and have their first meal in the evening. At that time, most parents are still at work, so the children cook instant noodles or order takeout. In their exchanges, parents found that children who can choose their meals mostly opt for extremely spicy foods, as if the stimulation of their taste buds could bring some illusory comfort. With long periods of inactivity and little energy consumption, most children barely eat one meal, and if they eat two meals a day, it is a cause for parental joy.

Parents have gradually accepted their children's schedules. Xiaosi's mother clearly remembers one day when her son had his first meal at 11 PM. Ke'er often wakes her mother at one or two in the morning to cook. Despite being groggy, her mother would immediately cheer up upon hearing her child was hungry, no matter how tired, and would get up to cook.

<To be continued>