How can I save my child (02)

02-Susan’s story

Susan, a 14-year-old girl.

According to her mother, apart from being highly sensitive, slightly paranoid, and capricious, she is no different from other girls.

In her mother's recollection, Susan began showing signs of distress this April. Before that, she had a brief relationship that lasted just over 10 days. Shortly after the breakup, she started self-harming. At that time, she could still barely attend school, but her focus on studies was completely lost, and her grades deteriorated.

Susan's mother hoped time would lessen her daughter's pain. In her view, that brief relationship shouldn't have been so damaging.

By May, not only did Susan's condition not improve as expected, but it worsened.

She took her daughter to the hospital, where Susan was diagnosed with moderate depression and severe anxiety.

By June, Susan had attempted to jump off the rooftop several times.

Her mother once blamed Susan's friend Anne for her daughter's changes.

Anne, also suffering from severe depression, had a habit of cutting her wrists, leaving her arms covered in scars.

From what her mother knew, after Susan's breakup in April, she grew closer to Anne and soon after started self-harming too.

In February, Anne had sent Susan photos of her bloody wounds.

Her mother saw these accidentally and asked worriedly, "What's going on?"

Susan shrugged and replied indifferently, "It's nothing, I think it's cool."

Her mother, deeply concerned, warned her, "Don't follow her example."

Susan blinked without responding.

At that time, Susan hadn't started dating yet and was like any other normal child, so her mother, though briefly worried, didn't pay much attention.

After Susan's first self-harm incident, her mother, in tears, urged her to stay away from Anne.

Her mother thought Anne had led her daughter astray, but Susan, also in tears, defended her friend, "No, it's not like that. Only she and I truly understand each other. None of you get me."

Setting emotions aside, her mother understood that it wasn't about one leading the other astray; the two girls were drawn to each other because of their shared feelings and experiences.

She didn't know if she should stop her daughter from seeing Anne, but in reality, she couldn't.

"These two girls often meet up to cut their wrists, their hands full of scars. They call it 'broken beauty.'"

Susan's mother uttered this helplessly. As an observer, I can't imagine the pain this mother feels inside.

This October, Susan fell in love again. This time it was even shorter than the last, and they broke up in less than 10 days.

The breakup was also initiated by the boy: "You're too mean, I don't like you."

Susan cried and for the first time talked to her mother about her romantic relationships.

Her mother tried to keep her tone as calm as possible and asked, "What attracted you to that boy? Is he very handsome?"

Susan shook her head: "Not handsome, I don't even know why I liked him."

After thinking for a moment, she shook her head again: "Actually, I didn't like him that much, just playing around."

Her mother found it difficult to accept: "If you didn't like him that much, why did you hurt yourself?"

Susan became emotional: "Because you never loved me, you just controlled me. From childhood to now, I've never felt your love. I only feel loved and cared for when I'm with a boyfriend. That's why I want to hold onto him tightly, chat with him, and be with him all the time."

Her mother burst into tears: "My dear, how could we not love you?"

She began to reflect. Why would the daughter she has cared for since childhood feel that her parents don't love her?

Maybe it's because she and her husband are not good at expressing themselves, and the atmosphere at home is always quiet and dull?

Maybe it's because she has been too strict with her daughter, with too many rules and restrictions?

Maybe it's because most of the things her daughter wanted to do or buy were refused by her?

Or maybe it's because her husband only reprimands and criticizes their daughter?

Susan used to cry a lot when she was little, and every time she cried, her mother would impatiently yell at her: "Stop crying! Stop crying!";

When her daughter had conflicts with classmates and confided in her, she would always scold her: "Can't you stop causing trouble for me?"

Whenever Susan pulled her to help with homework or play together, she would always find excuses to leave: "You should do your own things, I'm very busy."

The heartache from the autumn breakup caused Susan's emotions to fluctuate violently, and she began to suffer from insomnia.

At her best, she could only sleep 4 or 5 hours a night.

One morning, after sending Susan to school, her mother met one of her classmates' mothers on the way.

The other mother asked with concern: "Did Susan harm herself again? My daughter saw scars on Susan's wrists at school yesterday."

Susan's mother's heart ached like it was being cut by a knife.

She remembered that after her daughter came home last night, she fell asleep on the bed without even taking off her clothes. In the morning, before leaving, she suggested her daughter change clothes, but Susan refused outright.

Susan didn't want to change clothes because she didn't want her mother to see her scars.

After getting home, Susan's mother secretly opened her daughter's X social account. She found messages where her daughter was humbly asking that boy to reconcile and saw records of her buying a craft knife again.

She couldn't bear to read further and felt a heavy sense of suffocation.

She didn't know how she got through that day. Until Susan came home from evening classes, she carefully observed her daughter's state: "You mentioned a few days ago that your fingernails were too long and uncomfortable. Let me trim them for you, dear."

Susan agreed and stretched out one hand.

Her mother took the opportunity to push up her sleeve, revealing her arm.

Susan then said: "Don't look, it's injured."

The exposed arm had more than a dozen scars, standing out starkly and alarmingly against the pale skin.

Her mother choked up: "Why did you hurt yourself again, Susan? Mom feels so much pain for you."

Her daughter didn't respond. Her mother turned her head to the side to secretly wipe away her tears but saw that her daughter was chatting with a classmate on her phone and not looking at her.

A silence fell between mother and daughter. After trimming the nails, Susan didn't speak to her or look up at her.

Her mother wanted someone to share the burden with but had no one. She tried to communicate with her husband: "I read in a book that girls who fall in love early lack fatherly love. You need to show more care."

Her husband's face darkened: "How am I not caring for her? I buy her whatever she wants. What more do you want?"

Then he began to blame her: "It's all because you've spoiled her. You always give in to her. You even gave her the phone, chatting with classmates, chatting more, and sleeping less. How can she sleep well with the phone?"

Susan's mother fell silent. After their daughter's behavior deviated from normal, the couple's disagreements over education philosophy led to more frequent arguments, affecting their relationship.

Giving the child freedom with the phone was a suggestion from a psychologist to Susan's mother in July: "The child is already 14. Trying to control the phone is useless. You should give it to her. She will manage it herself. This also helps her build a sense of control over her life."

But Susan's father did not agree with the doctor's theory and began to question the doctor's professionalism. He even refused to let Susan take the prescribed medication.

This distrust extended to his wife. He felt those so-called "experts" couldn't truly understand the individual differences of children and didn't understand why his wife believed the doctor rather than him.

He thought his wife's current attitude towards their daughter was indulgent and appeasing: "You always give in to her, making me, the strict father, look like the bad guy. That's why Susan dislikes me now, and it's all your fault."

Due to frequent disputes, the father simply stopped caring.

Most of the time, he just watched coldly as his wife struggled.

Susan's teacher was over 50 years old and conservative in his thinking. The child's behavior caused considerable trouble for his teaching management, and he could only pass those unresolved pressures back to Susan's mother.

One weekend in October, Susan posted a tweet: "Come to the school gate to watch me kiss." It was probably a joke made on a whim by a young girl, but things quickly spiraled out of control. Her classmates shared it, and it soon reached the school. An angry teacher called Susan's mother and questioned her:

"Why is your daughter always causing trouble? Can't I have some peace even during the holidays?"

"Your child is seriously rebellious and is leading other students and the school atmosphere astray. As a parent, you are neglecting your responsibilities. Isn't that a dereliction of duty?"

"Don't tell me she's depressed; I don't believe it. With her audacious behavior, how could she be depressed? It's clearly fake. She's deceiving the elders. Last time when she self-harmed, the school was about to expel her, but you begged us and promised it wouldn't happen again. We decided to give her another chance. But now I'm completely disappointed. If this continues, you should arrange for her to transfer."

The teacher's words were harsh, yet they echoed the questions that had been troubling her mother.

No matter how tolerant parents are towards their children, the rules of society and the world will not unconditionally accept them.

When she couldn't change the rules and systems, Susan's mother felt that the only thing she could do was to bear the consequences with her child.

But this time, the teacher's anger swept her emotions away.

For the past week, their mother-daughter relationship had just begun to improve, and her daughter seemed to be returning to normal, which had given her a brief moment of relief.

At this moment, doubt and despair surged in her heart again: "It's fake, it was all fake, everything was an act by the child."

After a moment of hesitation, she still dialed Susan's number.

When the call connected, she composed herself once more and asked Susan calmly what had happened.

She even tried to force a smile, even though her daughter couldn't see it.

But sensitive Susan still sensed her mother's emotions. She hung up the phone and soon moved to Anne's house. After that, apart from asking for money, she no longer kept in touch with her parents.

The relationship that had just started to improve fell into a stalemate once again.

In front of her, Susan's mother was actually only in her forties, but her full head of white hair and haggard face made her look like a 60-year-old woman.

There was no expression on her face, and it seemed like a smile had never appeared on it.

She felt that she was at her wit's end. In the past six months, hospital treatments and medications had not been effective enough. Every time the doctor assessed that they could try to reduce the medication, her daughter's condition would worsen. Such coincidences sometimes made her wonder if it was just as the teacher said.

"Your daughter is faking it."

But she quickly denied it. She chose to believe her daughter.

In the long process of breakdown and self-reflection, she felt guilty for her past parenting mistakes.

"My husband and the teacher both say that I spoiled her, but it's not true. I was just trying to make amends and repair things in this way."

In the absence of external help, acceptance and companionship seemed to be the only things Susan's mother could do now.