How can I save my child (03)

The causes of adolescent depression are complex, and the treatment is correspondingly difficult.

It is not like a simple physical illness, where appropriate standardized treatment plans and medications can lead to a cure.

Many parents, after seeking help from hospitals and psychologists without seeing effective results, feel disappointed and helpless.

The cost of trial and error on this "repair" path is too high.

The journey of growth is irreversible; the fleeting time cannot stop for the child, leaving parents confused and lost.

Afraid that their actions might worsen their child's condition, they repeatedly ask: Where is the boundary between freedom and rules? What is the difference between tolerance and indulgence? Am I doing the right thing?

This pressure comes from within the parents themselves, who often feel worse than their depressed children.

The most common dilemma parents face is their conflicting attitude towards mobile phones.

Modern depressed children are different from those in the past; most of them are extremely dependent on their phones, spending the majority of their time and energy on them.

When parents try to control phone usage, they often receive strong and negative feedback from their children. The conflicts arising from mobile phones can last from a few months to several years.

In the end, parents are usually left with two extreme choices—either fully satisfy the child's desires or exert strict control. Each choice has its own rationale and justification.

But even experts or doctors cannot guarantee which approach is correct.

They maintain different attitudes towards this issue, each with its own reasoning but also with hidden risks.

The "liberation faction" mostly agrees with letting children have "phone freedom," advocating for "laissez-faire," believing that children turn to their phones for a sense of achievement and belonging.

One mother said that during the worst period of her relationship with her son, her husband suggested giving up on controlling the phone. She felt that when the child could no longer resolve his pressures on his own, at least the phone could provide an outlet for his emotions.

Moreover, her husband's compromise pulled their endangered parent-child relationship back within safe boundaries.

Most "liberation faction" families see a quick improvement in the family atmosphere after relaxing phone controls.

The child's hostility towards the parents decreases, and occasionally they can even have a laugh and chat with each other, making the parents more willing to give up on regulating phone usage.

"As long as the child can get along well with us, let him play with the phone as much as he wants."

Oliver's mother, after giving her son this freedom, unexpectedly found that the situation was not as bad as she had imagined. Diagnosed with mild depression and refusing to go to school, Oliver soon voluntarily proposed returning to school after regaining his phone.

According to the teachers' feedback, although Oliver still occasionally caused disruptions in class, he basically managed to complete his homework on time every day, and his subsequent exam results pleasantly surprised his mother. So, she completely relaxed her control over his phone usage.

However, "liberation" is often a makeshift solution born out of helplessness.

Twelve-year-old Fiona refused to go to school the day after her mother forcibly took away her phone. Before she could get her phone back, she often said, "If you don't let me play with my phone, I won't do anything."

When her mother spoke a few more words, she would glare at her and shout angrily, "I hate you!" A while later, she would coldly add, "Give me the phone, or I'll kill myself."

This was not a mere threat. Once, Fiona even resorted to self-harm to retrieve her phone from her mother. Fiona's mother was once again frightened by her daughter's death threats.

In the stalemate and hostility following her daughter's depression, the power dynamics at home shifted, with the parents becoming the weaker side. To save everything, Fiona's mother said, "I can't control her anymore; she won't listen."

Oliver's mother, not wanting to destroy the mother-son relationship, also found it hard to avoid the existing pressures—after giving freedom with the phone, her son, though not excessively addicted, still spent a considerable amount of time on it. The child's willpower was insufficient to resist the lure of games; he would play games while eating, do homework while playing on his phone, and often say "I'll sleep after this game," yet couldn't bring himself to press the shutdown button.

Fiona's mother was completely consumed by anxiety—every time she saw her daughter playing with the phone, she would feel irritable and blameful, first thinking it was her daughter's fault, then blaming herself for not being firm enough, and for giving her the phone. But she didn't dare to easily take the phone back, fearing further damage to the mother-daughter relationship. In the tug-of-war of emotions, she felt she could no longer face her daughter with a calm mind.

The "control faction" generally consists of parents who manage their children more strictly. Many doctors also advise parents to strengthen phone control: "With a phone in hand, children can't even ensure basic sleep and routines. Continuous high-intensity all-nighters and extreme sleep deprivation affect physical health, let alone mental health—how can there be talk of healing and recovery? Only by forcibly taking back the phone can children see the dawn of recovery."

This viewpoint receives much recognition from parents, including Talia's mother. She believes her 15-year-old daughter started losing control after being given "phone freedom," and she has always regretted it.

She said that Talia initially could still attend school normally after becoming depressed, but after she relaxed phone control, her daughter stayed up all night playing on her phone, and then made all sorts of excuses to skip school. Talia's health also deteriorated, with frequent headaches and heart discomfort, constantly needing deep breaths, and always breathing rapidly.

A hospital checkup revealed calcium deficiency and abnormal liver indicators. When the doctor further inquired about her routine and learned that Talia hadn't been outside for months and stayed awake for 24 hours straight, he became somewhat angry: "The calcium deficiency is due to long-term lack of sunlight, and the abnormal liver indicators are closely related to staying up late. How can a teenager have such a chaotic sleep schedule every day?"

The doctor didn't say more, but Talia's mother sensitively felt the blame on her. "It's my failure as a guardian," she said, rubbing her eyes and trying hard to hold back tears, "But I had no choice; I didn't want to let her go like this."

Most prestigious schools require parents to ensure their children don't use phones from Monday to Friday. This requirement is backed by big data, showing a strong positive correlation between students' performance and phone usage. But for depressed children, teachers tend to relax these requirements, emphasizing, "This is just a suggestion, though we hope you can follow it."

Parents know that no single method or formula applies to all children.

Each child's situation, each family, and each stage of the illness is different, requiring different management approaches. But such reasoning is just "correct nonsense."

Every parent can say such things, but it actually requires great wisdom to manage.

<To be Continue.>